Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Magnificent MLK Day!¹

So, I’ve been stuck this year coming up with a theme for the increasingly irrelevant Christmas letter. I’ve done by date, category, color, movie quotes, and song titles. Editor 2 wanted me to arrange it based on the boy band, “One Direction.² I’ve decided this year to do trivia questions!³

“What actor played the school principal in E.T. only to have his scene cut when Spielberg decided that his presence would be too distracting?”⁴

Julie decided the kids would have fun this summer being extras in one of the films being shot in Wilmington. Unfortunately for the kids, all the casting directors thought the most photogenic one in the family was Julie. They have now joined a support group with Rumer Willis, Alexa Joel, and Suri Cruise. Meanwhile, Julie is appearing as an extra in some productions including “We’re the Millers,”⁵ “Safe Haven,” and a few top secret ones. While her acting ambitions are limited to non-speaking roles, she does now understand the paranoid, irrational insanity of an actor waiting to hear if he got a role, and not wanting to see herself on film. Meanwhile, I took a non-paying gig at Big Dawg Theater with the lead in “God’s Favorite,” which essentially is the Book of Job as written by the guy who did the “Odd Couple.” It was the first time I had a part where I was older than the director. Which was fine until he looked at me at the read-through and said how he wanted everybody to bring their own LIFE EXPERIENCES with them to the show. Somehow to me he said LIFE EXPERIENCES like I was shooting down Zeros at Pearl Harbor. I will continue to look for good non-singing, non-dancing, non-rollerskating,⁶ roles in Wilmington next year.

“What 1990 championship sporting event attracted a TV audience of one billion people?”⁷

Ella went into training for Girls on the Run, a program though the school which would eventually see her running a 5k with some schoolmates. Julie encouraged her until she found out Ella needed an adult buddy to run with her. Then I had two girls in training. As part of their training, they ran in a race on Bald Head Island, and both did well, although Ella pulled a Charlie Brown and was heading the wrong way before Julie waved her down. I was ready to let her go, it’s an island, she couldn’t have gotten too far. The actual Girls on the Run race they eventually finished with a great time of 37:06 (51 out of 180 girls in Ella’s age group). And it has sparked in Ella a lifetime passion for putting off exercising.

Ella and Gavin continue their basketball and basketball/soccer careers respectively. Ella is doing well, with her major advantage her vertical upsidability.⁸ As a great American philosopher once said “You can’t teach height.” Gavin continues to enjoy soccer and even likes watching some Premier League games on TV and the local minor league team the Wilmington Hammerheads. I think he wants to play at an elite level one day, just because if he gets juice boxes and Pringles after every kid’s YMCA game, those guys must get awesome snacks at the end of their games!

“Cameron Diaz went to high school with what rapper at Long Beach Polytechnic School (Long Beach CA)?”⁹

I had my 25 year high school reunion this summer. I enjoy these mostly because my best imitations are Coach Tyre and Mr. G and the only place that is A list material is at these things. It was a lot like this letter. Catching up on events in people’s lives and telling the same jokes over and over.

“Sir Isaac Newton invented which device for his feline friends?”¹⁰

We continue to adjust to our cat Gigi. We should have named her Cato¹¹ as she enjoys lying in wait and then leaping on unsuspecting family members.¹² She also likes to play a game where she runs out of the house and everybody has to mobilize to get her back. Drives me nuts.¹³

“What year did color TVs outsell black and white TVs?”¹⁴

Ella is a broadcast director on her school’s closed-circuit television news show. Every morning, a team of 4th and 5th graders put on a show in the school’s broadcast studio with the news of the day, the weather, pledge of allegiance and some other segments. It combines her two loves: being silly and being in charge.

Gavin started Cub Scouts this year. Ella constantly makes fun of his neckerchief but Gavin is proud to sport it. After the leader said they would be camping, shooting BB guns, getting dirty, I don’t think there is anything Gavin wouldn’t wear.

“What is the origin of Wall Street’s name?”¹⁵

Julie and the kids took a spring break trip to NYC and CT. They went to Chinatown where Gavin had some Chinese ice cream. I don’t know what was in it, but it couldn’t have been weirder than the Watermelon yogurt, Sour Patch kids, Reeses pieces, Chocolate syrup and coconut concoction that he will put together at TCBY. Ella in turn got her fill of good Bagels and Pizza. They also went to the Central Park Zoo where Gavin decided to be a Sea Lion trainer.

Of course, a few months after that, the New York area was hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. I am the Chair of the American Red Cross, Cape Fear Chapter, and am proud that several of our volunteers were able to join the relief effort. Julie is also volunteering for the fundraising Gala, so fair warning, you may be hit up for a donation.

With that, I’ll bring the frivolity to a close, may all our family and friends have a great year and expect to read this letter again next January (or February, no promises).

With Love,

Bradley, Julie, Ella, Gavin and Gigi.

---

1 See, the letter isn't late!^↩
2 Author: “You mean John, Paul, George and Ringo?”
Editor 2: “Dad, they aren’t the Beatles.”
Author: “You can say that again.” ^↩
3 Editor 1: “Oh great. Here goes ‘Mr. Encyclopedia.’”
Author: “You know, for our kids ‘What is an Encyclopedia?’ would be a good trivia question.”^↩
4 Harrison Ford^↩
5 Her complete text to me from the set. “In final scene with Jason, jen*, Emma and will. Hanging with will right now.”
*that is jen as in Jennifer Aniston. She is too cool to even capitalize the name.^↩
6 Thalian Association is doing “Xanadu” this year…^↩
7 The World Cup^↩
8 Copyright 2012 by Jay Bilas^↩
9 Snoop Dogg^↩
10 The swinging cat door.^↩
11 Editor 1: “Who is Cato?”
Author: “The guy from the ‘Pink Panther’ who kept jumping out at Inspector Clouseau.”
Editor 1: “Nobody will get that.”
Author: “I get it.”^↩
12 Editor 1: “She jumped on my head in a dark closet!”^↩
13 Editor 2: “Stop picking on Gigi!”
Author: “You always stick up for her.”^↩
14 1972^↩
15 There was a wall there! When the Dutch still controlled the region, Wall Street was the city limit and there was actually a wall there. The vaults 80 feet beneath the Federal Reserve Bank on Wall Street store more than 25% of the world’s gold bullion.^↩

2011 Christmas (New Year's) Letter

“It’s time,” she said.
The words I dread.
“The letter is late.
And it has to be great.
You have to top each year for wit.
A few bad rhymes will not do it.”

Thus ends the great poetry disaster of 2011. So let’s get back to our regularly scheduled,non-rhyming prose. Since our favorite movie this year was “The Muppets,” we’ll start each section with a little song.

"Moving Right Along"

The big family trip this year was to Disneyworld in January. The trip was given out on Christmas morning. Gavin was worried because one of his friends said one of the rides was scary and Ella was upset because she thought she would miss school. So after we told Gavin he didn’t have to ride on anything he didn’t want to, and promised Ella she would hardly miss any school, we finally got a reaction to put on a Disney commercial. Heading to Florida, we got in pretty late (or early depending on your point of view of what 1:45am is) since Julie was apparently operating on military time and assumed that a flight leaving at 8 o’clock was in the morning and not at night. Luckily somebody in the family[1] had discovered the difference between “am” and “pm” and although we lost half a day, at least we didn’t find out about it at the airport. I of course had been prepared for quite a while, but unfortunately the map I committed to memory in 1976 wasn’t quite up to date. Apparently, they bulldozed the 20,000 Leagues under the Sea ride about 15 years ago. Anyway, we had a great time and the only place where the staff was as nice is Vega$. (and thinking about it, probably for the same reason).

We also had a trip to the mountains of NC for a week this summer. 3200 feet about sea level[2] was quite a change from Wilmington. Tweetsie Railroad was one of the favorites and if you haven’t been in the last 25 years, the show hasn’t changed other than the cordless mics. The Indian on the train still freaked me out a little bit even though I was ready for it this time. We also went ziplining at Hawk’s Nest. First time for all of us and we all had a great time. It felt a lot safer than the chair lift at Tweetsie. We started on a canoe trip and got caught in a bad thunderstorm halfway through.[3] The kids then got instructed in the fine art of trespassing and hitchhiking. Ella, I know you are glad to be safe, but please don’t put the nice man in the Vulcan Death Grip. During the trip, Ella and I engaged in a read-off (as Gavin and Julie made “book nerd” jokes). Ella won, five books to four.

In the fall, Julie and I went back to the mountains to the Grove Park Inn where she went to the spa and I went to continuing legal education classes. I think we both fell asleep halfway through. Our room was next to one whose previous occupants were Barak Obama and Dean Smith. I'm guessing the no-smoking rule was relaxed for their visits.

"Its time to play the music/Its time to light the lights" [4]

Ella got on the broadcast team at her school. Every Thursday she either goes on the TV broadcast as the anchor or the weathergirl. Gavin (seeing her broadcast in his kindergarten class) gives us a critique of her performance every Thursday night at dinner.[5]

I did a Thalian production in March, “Around the World in 80 Days.” Had a great time but remind me never to work with an elephant again.[6] Gavin was very concerned over who had to clean up after him every night.

"C is for Cookie"

While Ella moved up to 4^th grade this year, Gavin started kindergarten. He got the same teacher that Ella had. He has told us that his special job in class is to help the other kids with the computers. He’s the world’s youngest IT guy. Once he learns to read better, I’m giving him a headset and signing him up for Microsoft tech support.

Gavin played pick-up soccer over the summer and then on a team at the Y. I’m not that familiar with the sport, so I’m just assuming that Gavin’s habit of doing a cartwheel after every goal is accepted practice.

Picking up from last year, Ella finished out her 1^st basketball season. Once the team figured out what a jump ball was and why that big, loud horn kept blowing they got better every game, beating the best team in the league on the last game of the season.

"Mahna Mahna"

Julie grew her hair out and then cut off 12 inches for "Locks of Love". I'm just glad I don't have to clean out the shower drains every week anymore. I think she was just trying to copy Ella.

"The Rainbow Connection"

This part is hard. We lost our cat Hobbes this year. She’s been around longer than this letter. I can’t really say anything funny here. If you like, you can do what I’ll do and read prior year letters for a good laugh with our old cat.

We did get a new pet, which more or less came the same way Hobbes did, my sister found the easiest mark in the house and dropped the cat off. The new cat is Gigi. She is a little more…active than we are used to and my “Dad” voice goes ignored.[7]

Those are pretty much the highlights of the year. I could write some more, but unless you want this to turn into an Independence Day letter, I'd better stop here. Signing off once again.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to our family and friends

--Bradley, Julie, Ella, Gavin and Gigi.

---

[1] Not me. I’d still be trying to figure out what the heck happened.

[2] 3210 feet for each kid, depending on which night which one slept on the top bunk in the bunk bed.

[3] Gavin: “Hmm. Dad, sometimes the rain is kinda nice.”

Ella: “I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I JUST WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!”*

*I think that Gavin paid attention in science. As long as he was the shortest guy in the lightning storm he felt good about his chances.†

†That’s right. I just footnoted a footnote. Don’t try this at home kids.

[4] Editor 2: "That is not the name of the song."

Author: "I know but nobody will get the joke if I just say "'The Muppet Show Theme.'"

Editor 2: "Then its not much of a joke."

[5] Typical comment: smile more.

[6]Editor 1: “It wasn’t a real elephant.”

Author: “I know. That’s why it’s a little joke.”

Editor 1: “So that’s what it was.”

[7] Which makes her the same as everybody else. I really need to work on the “Dad” voice.

Christmas Letter 2010

Welcome to the D List of Christmas letters where I steal all the best jokes from reruns of According to Jim and awkwardly shoehorning them into things I dimly recall the family doing in the last dozen months. I do recall angrily haranguing the rest of the family around August to do something funny for Christmas letter, but I was routinely ignored. They’ll remember this when you stop reading here and pick up the guy with the weather balloon’s letter. Since I’m typing this while watching “Jeopardy” and making snarky comments on the contestants, let’s organize this year based on Jeopardy categories.

Rock and Roll Stars

About as unlikely as a snowfall in Wilmington was my being cast in my first musical, “Buddy: The Buddy Holly Story.” It was about Buddy Holly (hence the name). I played the DJ in Texas who first discovered him. While I didn’t have a solo,(no sense in standing up the lead), I did participate in the chorus. Unfortunately my microphone was missing (for nine straight shows, what are the odds?) so you might not have gotten the full effect.

Billboard’s Top 100

Ella had an act in her school’s talent show singing Taylor Swift's “You Belong to Me.” The “Swiftets” were a big hit. I fully expect the song to get unstuck from my head by next year’s letter. Gavin attended every rehearsal but of course he wasn’t in the show. He knows the real money is in management.

However, he did decide to join Ella as talent in the church choir. I’m not sure what number rule of live performance is, but I’m pretty sure don’t do a double nose pick during your song is in the top ten.

Having a “Ball” (“Ball” is in quotations)

Gavin again was kicking the soccer ball around at the Y this year. His team this year was the “Railhawks” which I suppose are buddies with UNCW “Seahawks” and Dr. Dolittle’s “Push-Me-Pull-Me” on the Island of Made Up Animals. They actually played games this year but only the parents kept score. Gavin did pretty well, but he felt the need to apologize to the ball before he kicked it and a lot of times somebody kicked it away by the time he was done.

Meanwhile, Ella had more Tennis lessons. The park has expanded their courts so we have plenty of room to spray tennis balls all over. Gavin has fun running after the balls and picking them up for me when we practice. From Railhawk to Ballhawk. Ella then decided to use those balls in her science project. She tested cold, room temperature and hot balls to see which would bounce higher. As the lab tech, I just got to run the slow motion camera. She got to do all the fun stuff and dropping the balls through our testing tube.

Julie played no sports but did win a pretty big NCAA basketball pool. Amazing how she doesn’t know a Wildcat from a Bearcat but put money on the outcome and she becomes Jay Bilas.

The family all joined me for a Carolina football game in Chapel Hill this year against Clempson. Gavin really got into it and despite on insistent shoosing from the ABC branch of the family insisted on chanting “Orange is Ugly” throughout town.

Southern Cities

Julie and I took a trip to Hotlanta around Labor Day. One night we took in a Braves game. Our seats were so good, (first row behind the dugout) that Julie was forced to pay attention to the game, otherwise a line drive foul could have taken her head off. She did get to socialize with the usher who had to keep telling her that the dugout roof was not her bar table. Of course they were best friends by the end of the game. That’s how she rolls. Then on Saturday we went to the North Carolina v. LSU football game in the Georgia Dome. Not too hot, not too cold. It didn’t seem like a real football game without some kind of physical discomfort.

Mediterranean Countries

We got invited to take a trip to Italy this year. It started as a family trip, but by the time the flight got off the ground it wound up being just Julie and a girlfriend. The kids and I stayed home. Being gone for two weeks in late October, unfortunately (both for her and the aesthetics of the neighborhood) meant that she didn’t get input into the new Halloween decorations. When you have a four year old telling you that you have enough tacky decorations, I say: Mission Accomplished! Meanwhile, across the pond, Julie was having a great time touring Rome and Tuscany, eating great Italian food (or as they call it “food”) and drinking great wine (or as they call it “wine”). She wandered by the Vatican and had Sunday service with the Pope as he canonized a couple of saints. She thought she might put her name in for consideration but found out being married to me was not one of the officially sanctioned paths to sainthood.

Potent Potables

The family did take a trip to Virginia and Busch Gardens and Water Country USA in July. We got soaking wet on the log ride, and that was at Busch Gardens. Between the water, the giant family air dryer and the later bout of motion sickness, we had fun. The beer in the Oktoberfest tent saved me.

Al Gore

Once again climatologists scratched their heads and local weathermen blew off the dust from the snowflake graphic as we got a few inches of snow this year. After a few blocks hike, we found what passes for a hill in Wilmington and Gavin and Ella got to sled down a few times on an old beach raft, and destroy some local landscaping.

Pets

This is the part of the letter in which I tell you what the cat has been doing. Usually it is just eating and sleeping and the occasional…reverse eating. This year it was much the same although her timing was off a bit, with a week or two of refusing to eat, (spending a week at Spa Vet) followed by constant meowing for food. You know how they say animals are smart when they know what time it is and know when its time to eat? That’s not this cat. She is just smart enough to hang out by the food bowl all day and annoy anyone who happens to walk by.

Final Jeopardy

We are sticking the Christmas letter online in a special blogsite that will be up just as soon as Julie reviews every background on the Internet. How many can there be? Once her fingers get numb from typing, you can see this letter (and earlier much funnier year's letters) at http://coxeblog.blogspot.com/

Sign up and get the update for next year!

Happy Holidays Everybody!

Christmas Letter 2009

2009 Christmas letter

Welcome to our same old Christmas letter bold new experiment in social media. Consider this just like Facebook, only with one status update per year and “printed” on what the ancients called “paper.”

This year the Letter has an official soundtrack, so at the appropriate points, please download the referenced song from Itunes before continuing to read.

“Hurts so Good.”—Hobbes, the cat, started off with a typical year, sleep, eat, meow, eat, eat, plot world takeover, sleep; but a normal yearly trip to the vet brought us the news that she had feline diabetes. Not a fatal, or even painful, condition, but it meant her days of her and me sharing the ice cream spoon were over. It also meant we had to give her insulin shot twice a day. You’d think that she wouldn’t like it and run away, but she doesn’t. In fact, she will sometimes purr when we give her the shot. I hope that’s not a comment on how little attention she gets around here.

“A Comedy Tonight.”—So after several years, I auditioned for some community theater and got a part in the Thalian Association production of “Pillow Talk.” Some of you know that the world has not yet caught up with my sophisticated idea of “key” and “pitch” and “singing” so it was not a musical. It did wind up that there was a small part that I had to sing. The director forgot to ask if I could “sing” before she cast me. (not that it would have mattered. First rule of auditioning is always say “yes.” “Can you speak Russian? YES. Can you do a backflip? YES. Can you juggle chainsaws? HOW HIGH?”) So I wound up doing a “speak-sing.” For the theater people think Gregory Harrison in “My Fair Lady.” For the geeks think William Shatner in “Rocket Man.”

“Holiday Road”—We took a trip a trip North to Connecticut and New York City this summer. Ella got to go to the American Girl Store in NYC. While she was having tea and having her doll’s hair done, surrounded with pretty pinks and pastels, Gavin and I were doing boy stuff. Namely, looking at two-headed goats and the world’s tallest man at the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum. They also got to see “The Little Mermaid” on Broadway, and they both got a huge thrill out of riding in a cab without a booster seat.

“Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night.” Julie’s sister got married on Bald Head Island. She got to be a bridesmaid, Ella got to be a flower girl, and Gavin got to wear a bow tie. Hard to say who was happier.

“School’s Out for Summer.”—Julie had her 20 year high-school reunion. I got to see all her high school friends and amazingly, not a single one had the perm that all the girls had in their high school picture. (You kids out there consider that as a cautionary tale for tattoos. Once upon a time the big hair perm was as cool as the barbed-wire-around the bicep). I’m sure Julie had fun since she was the last to leave every function. Its been a long time since she saw an early morning from that end of the day.

“Harper Valley PTA”—Julie also volunteered to be the treasurer for the PTA. Unknown to her, this is a full time job. She’s got volumes of spreadsheets and checkbooks and receipts she pours over all the time. She’s decided that Sarah Palin got into politics because it was less work that the PTA. Vote for Julie in 2016!

“White Wedding.”--My cousin Doug got married in Texas and I flew down for the wedding. Everybody seemed to think it was a great match-up. So much so that people kept falling over each other to take credit for getting them together. At one point I swear the pitcher who started for the Astros on their first date at the ballpark stood up and tried to take credit. I had fun even though it was at an somewhat inconvenient time of the year for me. Let’s just say there was some basketball being played a long way away on the same weekend and leave it at that. (I’ll bet if the date conflicted with Texas spring football it would have been moved). I stayed with my Uncle Bill. It was fun but I don’t really have a joke here. He gave me grief last time I saw him in Texas that he didn’t make the Letter that year so I have to give him a shout out.

“Lets hear it for the Boy.” Gavin got to go to his first football game, which was, as he said, “awesome!” Carolina won, and, more importantly scored plenty of points so he saw plenty of fireworks. He likes doing the “Tar”…”Heels” chant, although he and Ella fight over who gets to be “Tar” and who gets to be “Heels.” However, I am a bit concerned he may switch allegiances after he saw an ECU cup that Julie had with PD the Pirate on it. “Mom! There are PIRATES at your school!” Good thing the school in Durham isn’t the Duke Blue Robots, or I’d be in real trouble.

Christmas Letter 2008

My friends1 like bad Nicholas Cage movies, half a string of broken lights, 25 year old elementary school art, and other barely tolerated Christmas traditions, comes the annual Coxe Christmas letter. For you youngsters, it’s like a Facebook page, only with one picture, no comment section, and content updated only once a year. For you old fogies, it’s just like the letters you remember only not chiseled in Granite.

Speaking of Facebook, it has become one of Julie’s hobbies this year. Not to be outdone, I retained my status as the head geek in the house my starting a legal blog2 and a Twitter account.

Julie took a much needed break this year and traveled to New Yawk to see her sister.3 Kristin (aka KK) is getting married reportable sometime before the end of the decade so dresses and such absolutely HAD to be CHOSEN right NOW! OHMYGODILOVETHATONE-NOICHANGEDMYMINDILOOKFAT! She saw an Off Broadway show while she was there, but don’t expect “South Pacific” folks. The show was Fuerzabruta and the video I saw looked like Circus Ole filming a Duran Duran video under a giant pool in Fire Island.

My scheduled outings fared not so well. I was set to fly to San Antonio for the 2008 Final Four but my flight was delayed and then canceled because of avian interference.4 The rest of Texas was sold out so I had to watch the games on TV. The only bright side was my “media blackout” after Carolina lost was easier in Wilmington than San Antonio. Luckily I was able, after only 4-5 hours on hold, to get credit for the ticket. I used that credit to get plane tickets to Charleston, South Carolina for a white-water rafting trip. Didn’t know there was white-water rafting in the Low County? Well, you are right. This was the 2nd year in a row that the travel agency didn’t understand that Charleston WV meant exactly that. So, after a few hours of that and some other mishaps, I got the tickets straightened out.5 Fast forward a few weeks to the weekend of the white-water rafting trip and Hurricane Hannah decides the time is right to visit Wrightsville Beach. So instead of a sunny Saturday playing in beautiful weather with clear water and crisp skies, I was cleaning hurricane debris out of my backyard. With another round of phone conferences with USAir, I now have another credit. Stay tuned to see how this works out.

The REALLY big family trip was a move from Myrtle Grove6 across town to Forest Hills. Julie decided to “just look” and eleven minutes later we were making an offer. Which is fine, but the next time I move it will be Ella into a dorm somewhere. We moved in May and it has been fun exploring our new house and new neighborhood. The hardwood trees we loved in the spring and summer we grew slightly less enamored of in the fall when the leaves began to fall…and fall…and fall…and they are still falling. When I reminded Julie that “our deal” at the time of marriage was I would only rake one day a year, she said “I have altered the deal…pray I do not alter it further.”7

Ella had a lot of non-raking activities to do. She started children’s choir, did cheerleading again8 and took a swim camp at UNCW.9 She won some kind of sweepstakes at school and got to be Principal (Asst.) for the Day where she rode in a limo with the other winners to Chick-Fil-A. Pretty fancy school where the Principal gets to tool around in a limo. I think she forgot the “For a Day” part as we got reports that she kept showing up in the office to help. Julie helped her put together a neighborhood food drive for the Good Shepard Center where she accepted canned goods for free lemonade.

Gavin went to a few camps in the summer and otherwise played the sidekick role to Ella. He also has decided, after watching the high school track team run through the neighborhood, that he likes to “jog.” His big event this year was a car ride up to Greensboro to see Playhouse Disney Live. Gavin so excited to see the “real” Mickey Mouse, I think he peed in his pants.10 Gavin and I also went to the Railroad Museum for a reading of the “Polar Express.” Everybody came in their pajamas and drank hot chocolate.11

My favorite event of the year was my 40th birthday party weekend where I had a bunch of old friends from places so far away they don’t have Chick-Fil-As or pork chop biscuits at Hardees. We played some cards and had a great time. I am so much funnier when I get to talk to people who haven’t heard all my jokes (lately).

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Not e our new address, phone number and email. Come visit us anytime.12

Bradley, Julie, Ella, Gavin and Hobbes.
402 Forest Hills Dr.
Wilmington NC 28403
(910) 763-7109
bcoxe@ec.rr.com; jcoxe@ec.rr.com; ekcoxe@ec.rr.com; gcoxe@ec.rr.com.

1Copyright 2008 “John McCain for President”

2www.nclawyer.typepad.com

3technically a half-sister but she’s always looked whole to me

4My plane hit a bird

5That was actually not the last screw up but I don’t want to take up the whole letter. Suffice to say, if I got frequent flyer miles for all the trips they booked me on that were wrong, I’d own a plane by now.

6The appraisal value of my house in Sentry Oaks goes up 25% if I call the neighborhood “Myrtle Grove” instead of “Monkey Junction.”

7Well she didn’t really say that, but that quote from the 2^nd best Star Wars movie ever summed up her feelings pretty adequately.

8She’s got the first half of a cartwheel down pat

9Where she learned that the ladder on the high dive is one way. Only way to get down is off the end in the pool.

10Not that that was much of a difference. He always peed in his pants. Read any book on potty training. We do it exactly the wrong way.

11Everybody under the age of eight…except one adult…who cares what they say, I was cozy…

12But bring a rake.

Christmas Letter 2007

12/11/07

Dear Family and Friends,

As December comes, and our families stop to celebrate Christmas (December 25), Chanukah (beginning December 5), or National Fruitcake Day (December 27), the joy and good fellowship of the season is rudely interrupted by this, your annual spam letter from the Coxe family. Unfortunately, due to the writer’s strike, this year the letter is not being written by your traditional scribe, but is being outsourced to several unemployed Howler Monkeys in Guatemala. (This actually may improve the quality somewhat as they have already gotten the word “Monkey” in this letter. 2nd rule of comedy, “Monkeys are always funny”).

Ella started 5 year old Kindergarten at her first “Big School.” She attends Gregory Elementary which is a public magnet school for math, science and technology. They also require uniforms. My libertarian instincts were somewhat anti-uniform at first, but then when Julie was away for ten days early in the year and I only successfully got her dressed each day after at least 5 discarded outfits, I became pro-uniform. Julie has been volunteering about once a week in Ella’s classroom and really likes it. She keeps mentioning some boy named Zach. I hope I’m not being traded in for a younger model.

Ella did a lot of dancing this year, with a ballet recital, tap and ballet lessons and her first school dance, a sock-hop in her four year old pre-school class. I wonder if she will let me hang around and video prom night as well? She “graduated” from that pre-school with a ceremony describing what she wanted to be when she grew up (which prompted the question to me “what do you want to be when you grow up Dad?” I told her I hadn’t figured it out yet, but she’d be the first to know). She decided she wanted to be a Dentist Mom because they fixed people’s teeth. I suspect the real reason is that the dentist has a “treasure chest” in his office. My suspicions were supported when later she decided to be a pirate for Halloween.

Ella got to go to both a North Carolina basketball game and a football game (against Duke) this year. I believe in letting the kids make their own choices so since I am pro-UNC and Julie roots for Duke, I told Ella it was up to her whether or not to root for Duke or Carolina. (However, I did point out that they shot off fireworks when Carolina scored, but not when Duke did).

However, Ella and Gavin’s favorite sport is neither football nor basketball but seems to be “Ninja Warrior Challenge.” For those of you who seldom venture into the 70s and 80s in the cable channel lineup, this is a game show that is a cross between “American Idol” and the old obstacle course from “Battle of the Network Stars.” And did I mention it comes from Japan? Ella frequently asks me to turn up the volume to hear the show, which is a reasonable request except THEY ARE ALL TALKING JAPANESE!

Gavin is going to a 1 year old pre-school two days a week for 3 hours a day. His class is just 4 boys so it’s like a little mini frat house going on. He turned one on January 11, and rumor has it he will turn two on January 11, 2008, but you’ll have to read next year’s letter to find out (we call that a “tease” in the Christmas-letter-writing biz). At his one year old birthday party, Ella and I gave him a little puppet show before she got a little diva and walked off the job. Crazy, temperamental Talent!

Gavin went from crawling to walking in a short period of time, and from walking to running in an even shorter period of time. He only slows down for a little ice cream after dinner, (or as we like to call it in our house “quiet time”). Our weather this year may cause him confusion in years to come as our Easter Eggs had frost on them in 29 degree weather, but as I write this in December, it is 70 degrees outside. He probably thinks we live in Australia (A notion helped by watching “The Wiggles” all the time. Folks with young kids, help other people out with the reference for me).

Julie took a long and exciting trip abroad this year. She was a little nervous and overwhelmed trying to navigate through a large, strange place, where all the signs and all the people talked in a foreign language, but eventually she got out of the Miami airport and made it to Argentina. She had a great time and ate the best steak of her life every day she was there. (Meanwhile in the US, fried Spam sandwiches didn’t go over so well). And, with efficient use of the Argentinean cows, she also came home with five pairs of leather shoes.

Working off some of that red meat, Julie is now taking tennis after talking about it for a number of years. She is finally putting into use the tennis racket I got for her 2001 Christmas gift, two weeks before morning sickness kicked in. She is doing very good, learning all the strokes; forehand, backhand, talk to the hand; learning how to serve; learning how to curse at a line judge (is it still relevant to make McEnroe jokes? How can you make a joke about Roger Federer?). The latter is especially impressive considering that her coach hasn’t gotten around to telling her the rules or how to keep score.

I took a long overdue trip to Vega$ this year where as far as Julie knows, I didn’t win anything. Speaking of steak dinners, some of the restaurants we ate in had steak from $75 to $250 dollars. Despite that, the only expense Julie questioned was the $45 to the “Star Trek Experience.” On a different trip, I got to go whitewater rafting where I drank most of the Lower Gauley river in West Virginia. I had not done any whitewater activities since high school and I was astonished to see that kayaks are now smaller than a size 10 running shoe.

That segues nicely into my 20 year high-school reunion, where defying the conventional wisdom, my entire class got BETTER looking. Maybe the girls would have looked this good 20 years ago without the big ‘80s hair, but I don’t know.

Hobbes the cat has had a mid-life crises and rearranged her entire life, going from eating and sleeping to the more modern sleeping and eating. How she can nap more than 24 hours in a single day is a question better left for Stephen Hawking.

Our newest member is Dot the fish, or as Hobbes likes to call her, “Emergency Rations.” Dot briefly had a roommate, “Red,” but Red had to uhhh….go live on a farm.

Ok, wrap this one up with a bow and stick a fork in it because we are done! Stay tuned for next year!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays


Bradley, Julie, Ella, Gavin, Hobbes, Dot

Christmas 2006 Letter

December 2006

Dear Family and Friends,

It is time once again for the annual tradition of summing up an entire year of our lives in a page of bad jokes. We have new sponsor and therefore the letter this year will be referred to as the “Home Depot/Coxe Christmas Letter.”

As many of you know, we had a new cast member join our crew this year. Gavin Andrew Coxe was born on January 11, 2006, a mere nine days early. Julie decided that she didn’t want to know the gender but I said I did. So the doctor wrote it down and we sealed it in an envelope. Julie then thought I knew what it was and kept trying to guess based on my reactions. Of course I hadn’t looked at it which made her efforts pretty funny to me. As for the birth, I barely made it. I was involved in one of those glamorous type lawsuits that John Grisham writes about. There I was, standing over an open sewer in Durham trying to decide if Matthew McConaughey or Tom Cruise would play me in the movie when I got the call that Julie was leaving Bald Head and having contractions. We both had a hard journey to the hospital as Julie was trying to drive, call somebody to take care of Ella when she went to the hospital, and time contractions. I on the other hand was driving home at 95mph trying to find a non-County radio station in Johnston County. So as soon as I walk in the hospital room, it’s Showtime! Just ignore that sewer smell honey and push. 20 minutes later with no drugs (not by choice), Gavin was here. Somehow Gavin was born despite my coaching efforts being ignored. Some people are just uncoachable.

Gavin is a pretty good baby, but he has some odd characteristics. Example: He has gotten four haircuts as of this writing, which I understand is unusual for any babies not of the werewolf persuasion. He was born on a full moon now that I think about it. Ella has adjusted very well and likes to help out with him. She is the one who gave him his current nickname (see below). She occasionally insists that she is “the Mommy.” Hobbes the Cat likes to lead him on a low speed chase around the house, staying just within grabbing range.

Ella completed 3 year old preschool and moved up to the 4 year old class with most of her school friends. We endured the stress of our first real parent/teacher conference. Apparently Ella wins the award for getting dirty the fastest. Getting bigger meant going from the car seat to the booster seat. The next move she makes in the car won’t be until she has her driver’s license (Shudder). I got to pick out the fabric for the booster seat after Julie claimed she didn’t care. So for my car, Ella got the “Fiesta” fabric. It is red, yellow and blue. It looks like Superman! Despite mine and Ella’s approval, as well as the lady in the take-out window at the Wendy’s, I am no longer allowed to pick out “fabric.” Somebody is a little concerned their area of expertise may be usurped.

In the summer, Ella took swim lessons in the summer and did good enough I predict Olympic gold in her future provided the IOC allows Disney Princess swim goggles. Presently, she is taking ballet lessons. All the girls in her class are learning all the moves and how to perform together. So far the closest they have been to the same page is when one wants to go to the bathroom in the middle of class, they all have to go.

We also took her and her cousin Leah to a special show in Fayetteville. What could be better than seeing the Disney Princesses? Try Disney Princesses…On Ice! What can’t be made better by seeing it on ice skates? Let’s try it. Star Trek…On Ice! Blueberry Pancakes…On Ice! Form 1040…On Ice! I think we’ve got something here. Anyway, Ella and Leah both dressed up in respective Princess outfits. Leah was the Little Mermaid. Ella was Snow White. (Not to be confused with the Halloween outfit which was Sleeping Beauty. Apparently she has home and away Princess uniforms). The show was a big hit. They were far from the only little girls with their mouths hanging open for two hours.

The whole family took a trip to Atlanta where the highlight was the new Aquarium. Ella’s favorite part of the Aquarium? A Hemingwayesque answer: “The fish.” Julie and I got to watch a Braves game on a blazing hot August night where the only thing not on fire was the Braves. We did enjoy the air conditioned concourse with the pasta and roast beef stations. Long way from the Carolina League.

Julie continued her regular poker night with her girlfriends. Occasionally they even play a hand between conversations. Some of the hands they play also don’t exactly show up in Hoyle’s Rules. At one point Julie thought a straight could be “wrapped” as in Queen, King, Ace, Two, Three. It is now an official house hand known as the “Julie straight.” I can’t wait to get her to Vega$ and see if she tries it.

The old bachelor pad condo was sold. I did some mighty fine batcholing in that place. Julie somehow got it cleaned and painted with new carpet, windows, and balcony pickets in about a week. After that it took about 2 months to sell. Julie held some open houses on the weekends which strangely enough sounded like her baking cookies and eating them at a card table with her friends. She’s lucky it wasn’t basketball season or I’d be over there all day with a TV for our “open house.”

Since the Tar Heels decided to take a break from the Final Four this year I got leave to go to see them play a football game at Notre Dame. This game was as cold as the Braves game was hot. (This is your cue to say “How Cold Was It!?!”). It was so cold we gave the other team the mitten. I stayed in Chicago and even hung out with some friends that I had met playing online computer games. My first Internet liaison! Julie’s comment on seeing our group picture was, “They look kinda normal.” She sounded a little disappointed. I suppose her expectations were raised by the “Weridos on the Internet” episode of Oprah.

Julie is now part-part-time at Bald Head Island. She resigned to stay home for a while with the kids but then they asked her to continue to help them with an interior design project. Just when she thought she was out; they pulled her back in!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

Bradley “Pirate Dad” Coxe BradleyCoxe@charter.net
Julie “Editor in Chief” Coxe JulieCoxe@charter.net
Ella Katherine “El-Kat” Coxe EllaCoxe@charter.net
Gavin Andrew “The Hedgehog” Coxe GavinCoxe@charter.net
Hobbes “Far Too Cool For a Nickname” Coxe

Special thanks to:
Child Care Provider: A. Hugh Nokitov
Children’s Menu Advisor: Bea Ferrone
Cleanliness Inspector: Adolph Deflor
Russian Chauffeur: Picov Andropov
Barber: Buzz Wazletlov
Cat Feeder: Ken Opener
Typist: Diana Boredom
Soloists: Kerry Oki, Victor Yugo
Senior Ornithologist: Seymour Robbins
In-house Literary Critic: Al Ligori
Music Conductor: Juan Anatu
Christmas Coordinator: Carole Ling
Starting Point Guard: Justin D. Net
Pizza Chef: Ann Chovie
Criminal Defense Attorney: Gil T. Azell
Julie’s Ebay advisors: Lois Bidder and Selma Junkoff
Secret Santa Shopper: Donatello Nobatti
Jamaican Document Security Expert: Euripedes Upmann
Speech Writer (formerly employed by President Clinton): I. Justin Hale
Driving Instructor: Vera Bruptly
Julie’s Poker Instructor: Althea Andrasia